derailed

Apparently, all it takes is a couple of days with unexpected downtime to derail me for good. I spent a good portion of last week in bed, trying to recover from a sickly stupor, and I was lucky to just keep my blood sugar manageable after that. My HealthMonth points have continually dipped below zero, and I’ve had to plea for fruit from other players to try to bring me back to level ground. But with two goals requiring daily action, I’ve been lucky to even hover near the minimum line. The key for me now will be learning from this pattern and not removing daily goals from my monthly plan just to assure myself points week after week. What good are goals if they don’t force you to change habits? I’m not looking for an easy way through this journey. I want to truly push myself into a changed lifestyle. Let this be a good lesson to kickstart that journey again.

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Friday, February 9: Still attempting to bring my body into submission. But enjoying the daily doses of fruit! Wish I always remembered how good that tastes and didn’t stop adding it to my diet!

Sunday, February 13: Had a half-n-half kinda day today. Made pancakes for D and ate some myself, but chose a salad for lunch. Ended up with regular ranch dressing (not good) and had a large Coke, then got another Coke + a cup of ice cream in the afternoon to make a float. In the evening I chose another salad but with a vinaigrette this time — call it a do-over — and got a bit of potato soup, as well. Not the healthiest day, but some wise choices nonetheless. With springlike weather, I was also able to get a little exercise (or rather, movement) while D played at the park. A really nice day, overall!

Monday, February 14: starting to hit the skids… I can feel it coming on.

Tuesday, February 15: went to bed early after spending much of the day down… didn’t eat much of anything at all.

Wednesday, February 16: Sacrificing as much “fruit” at HealthMonth as possible trying to bring my points back up, but I fear it may not be enough since I’m still sick and unable to eat much or get out of bed for long.

Thursday, February 17: Grateful for some HealthMonth fruit donations. At least I’ve come back up to ground zero, but I fear it’s short-lived.

Friday, February 18: Slowwwwwly gaining my strength back today and cautiously eating a few bland foods. Most of my diet on this day was Coca-Cola but for the main purpose of keeping my stomach settled. No lie!

Sunday, February 20: Food is not currently my friend, and being overly tired today just made me lazy about meals. Got some fruit in and spent the morning on my feet and shuffling around in activity, but I’ve seriously got to get back on track this week.

Wednesday, February 23: So proud of myself for finding elements in the pantry to make a meal in the microwave and then remembering to add veges to the dish, as well. It’s the little things! Too bad I’m completely out of fruit to eat. Groceries are much needed.

Thursday, February 24: I very much liked this day. Nice weather, a little shopping, a beautiful array of fruit from the grocery, and leftovers that still met my goals of veges. Feels good to be getting back on track!

Friday, February 25: It’s impossible to meet certain goals when half the day is spent sleeping as a result of not sleeping the night before. I was lucky just to accomplish any tasks at all on this day, and since I was running errands from daylight to crash, all that concerned me was staying awake. I had a large Coke and a cheap burger(ish) item to keep me from passing out, and then I just hit the bed for the rest of the day. Rotten to drop back below zero points, but some days just can’t be controlled.

monday-tuesday

It seems all I ever talk about anymore is how insomnia is kicking my rear and I’m never quite awake or effective when I need to be. It’s really starting to bore me! Yet here I am in the same position for months and months. Stagnant, I believe is what I called it last year. On Monday I’d had enough. The first thing I did upon getting out of bed at FIVE-TWENTY-EIGHT P.M. (!!!) was post this statement to Twitter:
 

Making lemonade out of these lemons. Eve at grocery store then laundry + something creative overnite. Maybe some movies. Kicking insomnia’s butt, thankuverymuch.
 

And I did just that, for a while. Headed out after 7:00 and spent an hour at my sister’s house talking college prep with her and K2, then went straight to the grocery store and spent more than an hour there. It was nearly midnight when I finally returned home, and I had plans to work on a new daily journal scrap project during the night and to watch a couple of movies I’d picked up as free rentals. First, I had a good meal featuring the last bit of squash I’d prepared last week and some of the rotisserie chicken I’d picked up at the store. Then I ate an apple. Unfortunately, because I was planning to be awake through the night and through the next day, I also had picked up a Coca-Cola (and a cinnamon-sugar pretzel at the grocery store!). And then I drank a little more Coke after that, during the night, although I did attempt to wean myself a bit by mixing it with Coke Zero in hopes that it would taste okay. It didn’t. It tasted terrible and I won’t be doing that anymore. By morning I had all but quit doing anything productive, though I wasn’t tired enough to sleep. So I went out again to return the movies I’d rented, and while I was driving, with the sun lightening the skies and the roads fairly empty since people had already gone to work, I suddenly had the craving for pancakes. And I chose to get them even though I knew it was a bad choice. I could have returned home and made some myself — I could have made them healthier, even — but I didn’t want to bother. I had a craving and I wanted them and I got them. With another large Coke to wash them down. And I didn’t care.

By Tuesday morning I had simply lost all steam but wasn’t going to bed because I knew I’d be awake again at night and the whole cycle would continue. So I drank more soda to keep me awake and I tried to work a bit on my journal project. And I read blogs. And I watched TV and I surfed the internet and I simply didn’t move. But, despite all of these bad choices, I did manage to experience something new. I didn’t want more bad food. I wanted fruit. And I craved salad. And I followed through. I also switched to water early in the afternoon, and it made me feel very good again. So, while I did give in to temptation and consciously made bad choices, I also turned it around and made a few good ones. I wanted to turn it around. That, my friends, is the most progress I’ve made in months.

friday

Snow day number 4 and laziness has really set in. Didn’t sleep at all last night and did nothing good for myself today except a bit of fruit and some veggies with a meal. Caffeine-withdrawal brought a headache that has been going on for 3 days, so I drank a lot of Coke instead of water throughout the long night and day that followed. Boy, do I need to get back on the wagon!

monday

Totally went off the wagon today! Woke early but felt crummy, sending me straight into a comfort food spin. Picked up french fries and a Rt 44 Coke then stayed up late and wallowed in it all. Definitely a downer way to end the month.